The script is progressing. I’ve set the scene and decided on a couple character traits for the main character of “The Thousand Foot Grave.”
Now we need a name for our handsome hero with the photographic memory.
The goal of a character name is to make the reader associate that name with the attributes of your character. For instance, if you have a nerd character, your might consider naming him Thaddius. Or if you have a muscular dimwit, you might name him Marko. If you have a douchebag you might name it Derrick, like the guy I knew in 10th grade who was a complete tool.
Since we are naming our protagonist, we want people to associate him with leading men. For this reason, what I needed to do was combine the names of two of Hollywood’s leading men.
I didn’t want to just pick two names at random though. I wanted this name to be associated with Hollywood’s most dashing actors. I started by making a list of a few of my favorite Hollywood’s A-listers off the top of my head. Unfortunately, my girlfriend was not around so I had to order it myself. I did my best to order it by objective attractiveness:
First is Clive Owen. People associate British accents with intelligence and hotness.
Second place was a three way tie between Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, and Hugh Jackman. Matthew McConaughey is tall and slender and Hugh Jackman has muscles for miles. Channing Tatum is just yes please.
Third Place was a nine way tie between Jon Hamm, George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Bradley Cooper, Leonardo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, Chris Pine, Brad Pitt, and Josh Duhamel.
Jon Hamm on Mad Men has that sophistication and confidence that makes him irresistible so that’s just a given.
I decided some of the older favorites deserved mention even if they are cliche. You know who you are George, Leo, and Brad so don’t pretend you don’t.
Orlando Bloom is more of my own personal taste which is why I didn’t bump him up to second place. I was really into Lord of the Rings growing up and had a picture of him on my wall. The elf ears give me a rush of nostalgia and excitement.
Daniel Craig ranks high on the hotness scale for the exact opposite reason. He just has the Bond aroma that smells of danger and lust and chiseled abs anyone would kill to grate cheese on (you know you would).
Bradley Cooper and Chris Pine have the same youthful hunkiness that I’m looking for. It’s not hard to imagine them ranking higher some years down the road.
That just leaves Josh Duhamel. Some people are going to chastise me for this decision but I’m sticking with it. He has the clean shaven sexiness of a devoted husband and the raw masculinity to get your engine revving. He’s underrated by everyone and no one understands how great he is which is so stupid because he’s so great it’s just stupid and not fair at all.
My next thought was that some people might question Jon Hamm’s 3rd place ranking given how irresistible he is. After all, doesn’t that qualify him for at least second place? The short answer is no since all the guys mentioned are irresistible. That’s what qualifies them for any placing. The long answer is that confidence is sexy but not when combined with dishonesty. I want a man to say nice things to me but only if he means it. I’m not going to give myself up for empty words, even if his bone structure is to die for.
After completing the first, second, and third place finishers there was only one step left:
I had to list the runners up:
Johnny Depp, Will Smith, Ben Affleck, Gerard Butler, Jude Law, Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Zac Efron, Josh Hartnett, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Edward Norton, Robert Pattinson, Tom Cruise, Ryan Gosling, Daniel Radcliffe, James Franco, Joesph Gordon-Levitt, Rob Lowe, Antonio Banderas, Patrick Dempsey, Taye Diggs, Pierce Brosnan, Chris O’Donnell, and, of course, Kyle Chandler.
I spent a lot of time considering whether or not to justify the runners up or list them by hotness but decided the undertaking would be time consuming and ultimately moot since they didn’t place in first, second, or third. However they all know they have a special place in my heart and are super hunks so no biggie.
NEXT TIME: Shit, I never picked a name.
Aspiring Writer 